This is the third post in a series highlighting key lessons I’ve learned over the past 15 years exploring simple/house/organic church with my family and friends.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6 (NIV):
Marital Unity and Simple Church
There is an overarching lesson that I’m sure will be referenced in many of these entries over the next several months, and it deserves its own post. That lesson is this: simple church is more about what God wants to do in you than what you are going to do for Him.
Today, I want to focus on how this lesson applies to married couples exploring simple expressions of church. For those with spouses, simple church often becomes about cultivating unity in both marriage and ministry.
The Lesson I’ve Learned
First, it’s almost impossible to start a simple church if you and your spouse are not on the same page. At the very least, you must be unified in trying it. Otherwise, simple church can become a point of contention in your marriage—and therefore an unlikely place for a simple church family to be born.
This doesn’t mean you both have to be equally passionate about simple expressions of church. But being unified in why you are forgoing a legacy church to explore simple church is crucial for the experience to be meaningful in your marriage.
My Personal Story
Often, it’s not major marital conflict causing disunity—it’s simply that our Christian lives have been compartmentalized, despite the best intentions of legacy churches.
Before house church, our ministry as a couple was very divided.
I was deeply involved with coaches and athletes through Fellowship of Christian Athletes—leading camps, speaking at events, and discipling coaches in other counties my wife didn’t know.
She was engaged in the homeschool community with other women and involved in ministries for women and moms at our legacy church. She loved attending church gatherings, while I was often fine missing some after a busy week of ministry.
When we began discussing simple church and what pursuing it might look like, one blessing became immediately apparent: it would unify us in ways we hadn’t experienced before.
•The people we were in community with would be shared
•The place of ministry would be our home—shared
•The people we served would be our friends and neighbors—shared
•The unique ways God made us different, yet complementary, would be expressed in real time each week
•Conversations about why we were pursuing simple church would require ongoing unity, especially in seasons of discouragement
We were becoming true co-laborers in this expression of the Body of Christ.
And all of this would be visible to others. We had to learn to be vulnerable together—willing to acknowledge struggles in our marriage. Even this brought unity, as we received encouragement and guidance from older couples walking with us.
I can personally attest to this in my marriage to Karla. It hasn’t always been easy, but where I was once the one initiating our move away from the legacy church, now Karla is often the one who encourages and strengthens me when I feel discouraged about simple church (and yes—you will face discouragement).
Practical Tips for Married Couples
While every situation is unique, here are a few practical thoughts for couples who are not fully unified:
When your spouse isn’t on board
There can be many reasons for this—from deeper marital or faith differences to simply not seeing the need. If it’s the former, starting a simple church right now is likely not wise. If one spouse isn’t interested in Christian community at all, participation in a simple church can sometimes still support the believing spouse through its relational nature.
Perhaps you are part of a legacy church community, or your spouse is willing to attend one. I believe that, ultimately, simple church is about a way of life. Continuing to participate in a legacy church with your spouse—focusing on the natural relationships you already have there while living out a broader understanding of the church beyond a building—may be important for your marriage until you and your spouse can find agreement.
Being prayerful, patient, and intentional in loving conversations around house church will be key. Lead by example. Share your convictions, but also give space for God to work in your spouse’s heart in His timing.
Finding a mentor who understands simple church and can walk with you in this season can also be very helpful.
When your spouse is open to simple church, but hesitant
Perhaps your spouse is not completely oposed to the idea but just not to the point of making a change as perhaps you are? If so, consider the following:
- Pray together and ask the Lord to bring unity
- Consider reading a book about simple church together and talking through it.
- Consider what it would look like if God wanted to birth a new simple church through your spouse’s interests, friendships, and schedule. How might you approach this differently? Who might they enjoy growing alongside?
- Giving your spouse a clear timeframe can also be helpful. For example, committing to six months or a year—with a planned reevaluation—can provide a sense of freedom.
Many of us are accustomed to thinking of a local church as something you never leave unless something drastically bad happens. In contrast, it’s natural for people to flow in and out of simple church communities as life changes and ministry opportunities arise.
When hosting in your home is a barrier
One of the most common points of tension I’ve seen is around hosting. A couple may be aligned in many ways, but struggle with the idea of opening their home.
If this is the case, start somewhere neutral—coffee shops, parks, or other public spaces. It may even be that someone in your relational network would enjoy hosting. As relationships deepen, welcoming people into your home often becomes more natural. A healthy simple church should not depend on one person to host, but instead share that responsibility.
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For married couples, simple church isn’t just about gatherings—it’s about shared life, shared ministry, and growing in unity together. Those in simple church truly become co-laborers with Christ.
When pursued with humility and intentionality, Jesus can draw a couple closer together while serving The Body of Christ in a simple church.
Please feel free to reach out if you’d like to talk more about this. Karla and I would be honored to connect with you and your spouse.
Other posts in this series: Post 1: 15 Years In, Post 2: It Takes Courage. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts below.
